Today was day two of a weekend long training to become foster or adoptive parents. We will be in the class again for 8 hours tomorrow. We have been through this before. We were foster parents in Alaska. It was a challenge then and I know it will be again. Long before my issues with fertility were known to me, I thought I would want to foster after having my own children. My heartbreaks knowing there are children in the world that don’t know their value and may not be safe in their own homes.
Prior to meeting my wife, i had a foster child for a few months. A teenage girl. Two weeks of living with a teenager, I called my mom and apologized for all the grief I ever caused her. We didn’t really bond and there things that were beyond my control. We did have moments of possibilities but it was not enough. I said if I ever did it again i would take younger children.
After I met my wife, we decided to try again. This time we got a sibling group, a 6 year old boy and a 2 year old girl. They were good kids. It took a lot of adjustment going from our no-children, carefree life to having two kids. It was also difficult for me because a year earlier was my first failed attempt at IVF. Somehow I was hoping that having foster kids would fill the hole in my heart around not having my own children. Through the process of caring for them and sending them off to a wonderful adoptive family, I have started to understand what my wife always says about holding space for them. I was selfish to think they would somehow do something for me when it was my purpose to take care of them. AND they did make me realize many things about myself, life and connections.
I understand now that adoption or fostering will not ever be the same as having my own child yet there is so much to gain by holding space for these children that need structure, understanding and love. If I can be the person that can keep them safe while their parents sober up then that is what I am here for. If it ever works out that we adopt a child that is great too. And I will continue…at least for now, to have a child of my own while holding space for other children.
I wrote about my visit to the specialist on Monday but one thing that I didn’t mention is that I met up with the generous man that is helping me get pregnant that night (I will write more about that another time). As I sit and write this entry, it is possible that I will be pregnant this month. My fingers are crossed and my hope is high.